Big Eye Deers

What better way to be remembered than in a 3D rendered video. But where are the tea and biscuit breaks?

1. Pointless Birthday Cards
If you forget Moonpig by 4pm the day before you can always be THE FIRST to post a very special bespoke and exclusive facebook message on their wall  – and a picture of your dog for extra sentiment. If you don’t have a dog, put this youtube link up instead. They’ll think you’re hilarious and mental. Honestly. Oh dear. Stop it, you’re making me laugh, even now.

2. Mates’ Nights Out
Why bother walking all the way to a pub, urgh, why bother walking to any building… when you can show off your wit and one-liners on a thread which started with the status “I’m never going out with a short man again”. Unleash your comedy-bronze SATC inspired banter for all to see, you’ve got an audience to entertain so let the dog see the rabbit. Oh, and you can smoke inside. Enough said.

3. Stupid Real Dating
Who needs multiple sessions of costly Carbonara, Coke and small-talk when you can instead go through facebook photos of the person you think is hot, commenting ‘hot’ and pressing ‘like’ to test the waters. If they get a bit clingy on the old instant chat you can just go offline. If you reach the stage where they are desperate and boring, there is functionality to block them out of your life forever more. No yawn phone calls or restraining orders required.

4. Boring Real Cinema
No need to walk down to the boring brick building that is Cineworld, get a bus to Blockbusters (are they still alive, btw?) or mess about with Lovefilm sticky envelopes – now you can ‘rent’ films on facebook, a la The Dark Night, Jack Ass and more recently Big Lebowski.  Unlike boring real-world movie watching, you can now “like” the movie and even comment as you watch (like yay, it’ll be totes amaze), along with thousands of other people – without someone with a phlegm-face viral infection breathing on your neck as they crunch through a jumbo tray of cheesy Nachos.

5. Family Visits
No longer necessary. Uh Uh. Track ‘alive & well’ statuses through, erm, their statuses. I wonder when facebook will introduce automated messages? Then you can set up: ‘Hello, sorry I haven’t been to see you for ages, are you in my area soon? Let me know xxx’. Oh, and another: “Hey you…”, to be sent intermittently to all the boring people with nothing to say other than “Hey you”. Revenge. I shall enquire.

Coming up next week… 5 Ways To Take a Picture Of Your Face.

And what is that lovely lady going to do with those fish? So many questions, so few answers.